Saturday, 21 October 2017

d100 Paladin Smack Talk

It would be sad if this made me think paladins are worth keeping in DnD. But I think It might. Well Planet Psychon Paladin working for a AI god might look like this with clips of alternating silver, holy iron and +5 adamantium rounds.

Reading 5th edition made me re think classes. In turn i'm thinking of writing my own simpler rule set but with a proficiency/ability system that handle mass customised characters. I'm partly troubled by me the dm having to keep track of everyone abilities and enemy abilities to, manage a human vs human party battle. Most people tell me they bullshit it and make them not act their best or ignore fancy abilities. My house rules more like BX with late 1st ed adnd extras like oriental adventures and dungeoneers survival guide and some abilities stranger. I might make some sample skills for monster heroes, leaders and royal guards.

A line of smack talk every combat round goes a long way.

Why Would You Use This Table?
Your friend is charmed by good guys
Fanatic maniacs cultists who think they are better
Holy warriors fighting undead, demons or devils
Religious persons fighting enemy cults
Knights or lawmen claim righteous superiority
Military when fighting rival hostile culture
Faction vs faction of a single larger group
Beings of Law or Good or Both
Saints or angels judge anybody
A paladin travels with you and pulls these lines on every threat he sees implying you are all together and most of the beings he abuses assume he speaks for the group - classic mission complication challenge unlocked!

d100
 Paladin Smack Talk
01 Destroy this vile defiling evil filth
02 I send ye to eternal torment you fiend
03 By the holy wrath of my god I strike you down!
04 I am here to end you wicked one, prepare to be smited
05 I prey my weapon strikes you dead ye foul and putrid one
06 Be ye witch or be ye warlock you magic is wicked and must be crushed
07 I shall smite the and dismember thee so no devil or demon can put you back
08 May my god strengthen our arms as we slay these sinners
09 Might the saints preserve us and help us cleave these heathen heretics!
10 God has brought me here to kill you all, no mercy, no surrender 

11 Our god loves you and they are here to end your suffering
12 By the blessed sky virgin! Come taste her sweet tears of mercy!

13 Wicked ones your eternal punishment has arrived too soon!
14 How dear you soil my gaze with your vile form deviant one!
15 Your blood shall usher in a new age of love and kindness!
16 Peace will come after a age of blood and fire!
17 The gods hate you and have sent me to kill  you
18 Your crime of hubris has brought your executioners to your door
19 Now shall you die and every drop of the evil one will die
20 You have mortal form but you are a minion of the beast, prepare to die! 
21 Time to return to the pit vile one!
22 With beings like this we face there can never be mercy or peace just death
23 I was born for this moment, to drive you vile spirit back to the void!
24 This moment was seen in a vision my glory lies in your destruction
25 This will be a victory for god, for glory and all mortal kind!
26 Your sin Is life! I Bring you death!
27 Vile ones, prepare to meet thy dooooom!
28 For victory, for freedom, for all the blessed peoples!
29 You are abominations before the true gods, prepare for death!
30 For the kingdom, for the church, for humanity forever!
31 The river of life ends for you, the ferryman death has come for you!
32 The wages of wickedness are death, death to all non believers!
33 This spawn of vile chaos must be cut from this world to save it
34 Let us bring the wages of sin to these disgusting savages
35 Death to the unclean, death to murderers, death to traitors! 
36 My holy rod will smite you and dash your brains!
37 It is ordained this day that the enemies must die, protect us of lord!
38 Let loose the hounds of war, crush the enemy!
39 The evil ones are here, our only hope is to kill every one of them for our god!
40 And so the lord sent a angel to slay the minion of evil and it did!
41 Bring your legions, your army, all your kind I care not, you will all die each and every one
42 You fiends may choose to make a short prayer of repentance before we kill you
43 Surrender evil ones and receive the punishment you so richly deserve!
44 I am the weapon of my god, I am their steel, I am your destruction!
45 This vile spawn of a she demon, this vile thing of filth, shall meet it's end
46 You knew when you took up your blasphemous ways it would end like this
47 The end of the world is here, for your kind anyhow!
48 Your kind have been ordained to be slain one and all!
49 Like the saints of old I slay evil not talk to it!
50 A snicker-snak and your heads will be gone beneath my weapon
51 Obliteration is too kind for your vile kind
52 Cease your evil ways or prepare to die!
53 Your filth must be eradicated for a kinder and purer world!
54 Your foul blood with be released into the earth, a libation to the gods
55 All your line will be destroyed by fire and the sword!
56 A doom upon your cursed kind, all your seed will be purged from his world! 
57 Good cannot rest until all your kind are slain, die in the name of peace!
58 Your sins must be cleansed your blood must be spilled
59 The gods hate you and I am the instrument of your destruction
60 Say your prayers dog, your last moments of life are upon you!
61 All fanatics must be killed for the common good!
62 In the name of freedom, all your kind must be slaughtered!
63 Vile putrescent filth! You abominations have soiled this world enough!
64 Those who do not love life are not worthy of it and now you die!
65 By all that is holy! Your repugnant evil shall meet it's end 
66 You foul demonic turds who walk upon the fair earth, you must be cleansed!
67 Heathen! Unbeliever! Heretic! Anarchist! You must die by all that is holy!
68 Your kind were a mistake and It is time your existence was rectified
69 Your crimes can never be forgiven and I am your executioner
70 Blast you foul demon! May my god crush your soul as I rend your foul body!
71 All the world moans at your every diseased footstep and I am the cure!
72 My god has given me the right and the will to slay your kind for the good of all
73 I have judged ye foul demon of the pit, now you die!
74 All your vile creed have forfeited the right to live. I am hear to rectify this
75 What vile demon shat you into this world? I shall end your foul stain forever
76 Your very existence is corruption, to spare your future victims I slay you now!
77 It is time you were sent to eternal punishment for your false beliefs
78 Tell them in hell that I sent you and more of your kind will join you in the pit soon
79 You are a cosmic cancer and I am the cure! Prepare to be cut out!
80 You are a gnawing maggot eating all that is good, now it is your turn to die! 
81 I cannot bear to look at your awful countenance, you offend me and I will cut you out
82 I wish I could slay your every ancestor but your will have to do villain
83 Justice demands satisfaction and you sir will die by my hand
84 I call a holy crusade to slay your kind, each and every one of you must be destroyed
85 If only killing you would undo all your evil, ending you now will just have to do
86 In the name of all the saints and your victims, I call on your extermination now!
87 You are a mistake I am here to correct, your life is forfeit 
88 No pain I can inflict will undo your vile deeds, I must be satisfied with your death
89 The prophets have called for your death and I am here to enact your destiny
90 It is too late for your redemption, only death can cure the wounds you have caused
91 Your very existence offends the gods, I am their terrible swift retribution!
92 Beg and grovel all you like, no mercy for your vile kind!
93 I am not like the innocents you have molested, I will annihilate your kind
94 Gods will flows through my hand, and my weapon hungers for your life
95 I am here to execute you in the name of the law and all that is just
96 Righteousness and rage fill my heart villain, now you shall meet death!
97 A terrible swift death is the only kindness I can spare for you evil one!
98 My blessed weapon hungers for your vile flesh, your wickedness ends now!
99 Angels in heave will rejoice when your life ends, I am here to make that happen
100 It will be a kindness to slaughter you, the world will sigh with relief when I end you

here is the shakespeare translator version
https://lingojam.com/shakespearean
sometimes it works sometimes it is just silly


d100 paladin smack talk
01 destroy this vile defiling evil filth
02 i sendeth ye to eternal torment thee fiend
03 by the holy wrath of mine own god i strike thee down!
04 i am hither to end thee naughty one, prepare to beest smit'd
05 i prey mine own weapon strikes thee dead ye foul and putrid one
06 beest ye beldams 'r beest ye warlock thee charm is naughty and wilt beest did crush
07 i shalt smite the and dismember thee so nay Flibbertigibbet 'r goodyear can putteth thee back
08 may mine own god strengthen our arms as we slay these sinners
09 might the saints preserve us and holp us cleave these heathen heretics!
10 god hast hath brought me hither to killeth thee all, nay mercy, nay surrender 
11 our god loves thee and they art hither to end thy suffering
12 by the did bless sky virgin! cometh gust that lady sweet drops of sorrow of mercy!
13 naughty ones thy eternal punishment hast arriv'd too lief!
14 how lief thee soil mine own gaze with thy vile form deviant one!
15 thy blood shalt usher in a new age of love and kindness!
16 peace shall cometh after a age of blood and fire!
17 the gods misprise thee and has't hath sent me to killeth  thee
18 thy crime of hubris hast hath brought thy executioners to thy do'r
19 anon shalt thee kicketh the bucket and every drop of the evil one shall kicketh the bucket
20 thee has't mortal form but thou art a minion of the beast, prepare to kicketh the bucket! 
21 time to returneth to the pit vile one!
22 with beings like this we visage thither can nev'r beest mercy 'r peace just death
23 i wast born f'r this moment, to drive thee vile spirit back to the void!
24 this moment wast seen in a vision mine own glory lies in thy destruction
25 this shall beest a victory f'r god, f'r glory and all mortal kind!
26 thy sin is life! i bringeth thee death!
27 vile ones, prepare to meeteth thy dooooom!
28 f'r victory, f'r freedom, f'r all the did bless peoples!
29 thou art abominations ere the true gods, prepare f'r death!
30 f'r the kingdom, f'r the church, f'r humanity still!
31 the riv'r of life ends f'r thee, the ferryman death hast cometh f'r thee!
32 the wages of wickedness art death, death to all non believers!
33 this spawn of vile chaos wilt beest cutteth from this ordinary to save t
34 alloweth us bringeth the wages of sin to these disgusting savages
35 death to the unclean, death to murderers, death to traitors! 
36 mine own holy rod shall smite thee and dash thy brains!
37 t is ordain'd this day yond the enemies wilt kicketh the bucket, protect us of lord!
38 alloweth loose the hounds of war, crush the foe!
39 the evil ones art hither, our only desire is to killeth every one of those folk f'r our god!
40 and so the lord hath sent a angel to slay the minion of evil and t didst!
41 bringeth thy legions, thy army, all thy kind i care not, thee shall all kicketh the bucket each and every one
42 thee fiends may chooseth to maketh a short prayer of repentance ere we killeth thee
43 surrender evil ones and taketh the punishment thee so richly deserve!
44 i am the weapon of mine own god, i am their steel, i am thy destruction!
45 this vile spawn of a the lady goodyear, this vile thing of filth, shalt meeteth t's end
46 thee kneweth at which hour thee tooketh up thy blasphemous ways t would end like this
47 the end of the ordinary is hither, f'r thy kind anyhow!
48 thy kind has't been ordain'd to beest slain one and all!
49 like the saints of fusty i slay evil not talk to t!
50 a snicker-snak and thy heads shall beest gone beneath mine own weapon
51 obliteration is too kind f'r thy vile kind
52 cease thy evil ways 'r prepare to kicketh the bucket!
53 thy filth wilt beest eradicat'd f'r a kinder and purer ordinary!
54 thy foul blood with beest releas'd into the earth, a libation to the gods
55 all thy line shall beest did destroy by fire and the bodkin!
56 a doom upon thy curs'd kind, all thy se'd shall beest purg'd from his ordinary! 
57 valorous cannot rest until all thy kind art slain, kicketh the bucket in the name of peace!
58 thy sins wilt beest cleans'd thy blood wilt beest spill'd
59 the gods misprise thee and i am the instrument of thy destruction
60 sayeth thy prayers dog, thy last moments of life art upon thee!
61 all fanatics wilt beest hath killed f'r the ingraft valorous!
62 in the name of freedom, all thy kind wilt beest slaughtered!
63 vile putrescent filth! thee abominations has't soil'd this ordinary enow!
64 those who is't doth not love life art not worthy of t and anon thee kicketh the bucket!
65 by all yond is holy! thy repugnant evil shalt meeteth t's end 
66 thee foul demonic turds who is't walketh upon the fair earth, thee wilt beest cleansed!
67 heathen! unbeliever! heretic! anarchist! thee wilt kicketh the bucket by all yond is holy!
68 thy kind wast a misprision and t is time thy existence wast rectifi'd
69 thy crimes can nev'r beest forgiven and i am thy executioner
70 fie thee foul goodyear! may mine own god crush thy soul as i rend thy foul corse!
71 all the ordinary moans at thy every diseas'd footstep and i am the cure!
72 mine own god hast given me the right and the shall to slay thy kind f'r the valorous of all
73 i has't judg'd ye foul goodyear of the pit, anon thee kicketh the bucket!
74 all thy vile cre'd has't forfeit'd the right to liveth. I am heareth to rectify this
75 what vile goodyear shat thee into this ordinary? i shalt end thy foul stain still
76 thy very existence is corruption, to spare thy future victims i slay thee anon!
77 t is time thee wast hath sent to eternal punishment f'r thy false beliefs
78 bid those folk in hell yond i hath sent thee and moo of thy kind shall join thee in the pit lief
79 thou art a cosmic canker and i am the cure! prepare to beest cutteth out!
80 thou art a gnawing maggot eating all yond is valorous, anon t is thy turn to kicketh the bucket! 
81 i cannot bear to behold at thy awful countenance, thee offend me and i shall cutteth thee out
82 i wish i couldst slay thy every ancest'r but thy shall has't to doth villain
83 justice demands satisfaction and thee sir shall kicketh the bucket by mine own handeth
84 i calleth a holy crusade to slay thy kind, each and every one of thee might not but beest did destroy
85 if 't be true only killing thee would undo all thy evil, ending thee anon shall just has't to doth
86 in the name of all the saints and thy victims, i calleth on thy extermination anon!
87 thou art a misprision i am hither to correct, thy life is forfeit 
88 nay teen i can inflict shall undo thy vile deeds, i might not but beest did satisfy with thy death
89 the prophets has't hath called f'r thy death and i am hither to enact thy destiny
90 t is too late f'r thy redemption, only death can cure the wounds thee has't did cause
91 thy very existence offends the gods, i am their lacking valor swift retribution!
92 beg and grovel all thee like, nay mercy f'r thy vile kind!
93 i am not like the innocents thee has't molested, i shall annihilate thy kind
94 gods shall flows through mine own handeth, and mine own weapon hungers f'r thy life
95 i am hither to execute thee in the name of the law and all yond is just
96 righteousness and rage fill mine own heart villain, anon thee shalt meeteth death!
97 a lacking valor swift death is the only kindness i can spare f'r thee evil one!
98 mine own did bless weapon hungers f'r thy vile flesh, thy wickedness ends anon!
99 angels in heave shall rejoice at which hour thy life ends, i am hither to maketh yond befall
100 'twill beest a kindness to slaughter thee, the ordinary shall sigh with relief at which hour i end thee

3 comments:

  1. 1) everyone who likes this game like you do and like I do ought to try writing his own version. I think your version will be very good.

    2) a paladin might come up against the party for a lot of reasons. Not all goodness is monolithic. Not all good guys are actually good! Certainly tomb robbers and warlords are not necessarily lawful. Therefore paladin smack talk is as useful as any of the other smack talks.

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    Replies
    1. there is a version of my house rules on my blog downloads - im revising currently

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  2. This is great! Particularly that second table.

    I love the idea of paladins all talking like Silver Age Thor.

    ReplyDelete